Suffer my little boyfriend

I've turned into a major monster. A quarrelsome, unreasonable, psychotic, uncontrollable one.

I've come to realize that it's not exactly PMS I'm experiencing but I'm bordering on the verge of going into a major depression. I have no idea why or how it got started but I just remember rather vividly that everything went downhill after I got attacked by Jabba The Hutt.

You might think that I over-react to some bitchy office politics cos after all, it's already resolved and I ought to think of moving on. Yes, moving on is really what I have in mind. As in really moving on to find a new job cos my office environment really is killing me.

I've been with this fucked up, supposedly glamourous and high profile french company for a year and I think my tolerance level is running dangerously low. If I stay on, I can assure you that all my pent-up frustration would manifest into what the medical world would call "tumor". The office environment is highly carcinogenic.

I hate the fact that there's politics even when it's such a small set up run by four chicks and a 3 against 1 (aka me) situation isn't exactly very easy for me to swallow. I'm sick of getting bitched at all the time, sick of having to do lunch by myself in my own sterile room everyday, sick of being excluded in things that the trio do, sick of feeling the kind of social isolation that will turn anyone into a mental case, sick of my boss' rude attitude and unfriendly face, sick of walking out of the office everyday feeling the unhealthy pent-up anger that affects everyone, and totally tired of wanting to try to improve on the environment cos I give up. I just don't wanna try anymore. Sometimes in life, there simply comes a point where you think that you've done all you can and nothing you do would improve the situation and you just gotta admit it's simply the way it is and you can't change it.

I miss having colleagues who're my close friends too. Miss having working days that's peppered with laughter and jokes. Miss being able to be my goofy self with funny pranks and corny jokes. Miss getting the kind of social support I used to get in my previous jobs. Now, I'm getting kinda depressed and I'm upset that my pent-up frustration is eating into my personal life.

Yes, suffer my little boyfriend. Well, he's not exactly little cos he's the size of an average adult bear but he simply has the misfortune of getting my shit and pent-up frustration. I'm guilt-ridden cos for the past one week, I've been terribly ridiculous, flaring up at every single small thing that normally doesn't bug me. I get angry at everything and blow everything up out of proportion, and totally ruin both our moods. It obviously doesn't help when I get that the world against me kinda attitude, thinking that everyone out there's out to disappoint and piss me off. And coupled with my rotten temper, it's just deadly. I'm a self-absorbed mofo.

I also notice that whenever I'm in a lousy mood, those who're closest to me get the most shit. Besides my boyfriend, my sister is the other unfortunate one who constantly experience my pent-up wrath. I feel terrible. Really terrible and this post-tantrum guilt simply spirals downward and turns into a vicious cycle cos I get even more frustrated with myself for losing it. Then yesterday, I cracked and couldn't stop sobbing cos I'm sick of the way I am and I simply can no longer stand myself.

I'm come to realize that those who're closest to me get the most shit cos I have what I called the "Princess Syndrome". I feel lousy, I feel down and I expect them to make me feel okay. Say those magic words, do that special thing and I'll be okay. Well, too bad, it doesn't happen that way. Like with my boyfriend, he is probably the highlight of my day and becos of the fact that I feel so lousy before, I expect this highlight of my day to be the remedy for my predicament. And when things don't go the way I expect it to go, I blow up.

I feel very bad. Really bad cos suddenly I feel that I'm not being responsible for myself. I'm making the people I love repsonsible for me instead. In a way, I'm letting myself go with the excuse that "But I'm depressed!!". What's worse is, I get unreasonable and throw tantrums at them and end up upsetting those who're important to me. I really can't feel any worse and I find it hard to forgive myself for such childish and irresponsible behavior....sigh....I dunno how to make it up to them now and definitely hope that I haven't done any irresversible damage. I'm also angry at myself that I never seem to learn. This really isn't the first time stuff like this happened. It's happened in the past and I told myself not to repeat the same mistake but I still do every time! This sucks!

I really just want these bad vibes to go away...I just hope this gloomy clouds above my head will go away and I'll be back to my stupid goofy happy self....cue in the shrink please!!!! I need happy pills!!!