Monday, August 07, 2006

Stupid girl, stupid girl.....

Something interesting happened lately. I dreamt of some long time primary school friend I hardly know, I woke up, I logged on to friendster, I found her, I added her, she rejected, and then she added me.

Now that really sparked off my search for all those convent school friends I had when I was in Hong Kong, and it's just way too interesting to poke my nose to see what everyone is doing now. How they look, what they work as, if they're married or single, what're their hobbies now etc.

Being addicted to tabloid and dishing out what everyone's up to aside, I want to find out how all my previous peers are now so that I can see how far I've gone. If I've progressed, if they've regressed, if they've lived up to my expectation of how they would be or if they're running on a standstill. Afterall, they're part of my past which has shaped me to who I am now, though I must say it is a past that I'd rather forget sometimes. Well, yeah, you heard it. I'd rather forget cos childhood wasn't exactly a bed of roses for me being the class loser and the possibly the president of the "out group" support network.

Yup, I was a bit of a geek loser who wished I were like the rest of the smart, rich and popular girls. The nobody who failed most subjects and got despising yet sympathetic stares when I was the last few to received test papers that were distributed in order from the top scorers to the intellectually retard. I was also the kind who's so plain and forgettable that nobody really knew I existed in the class until they started looking at the class photo and went "Who's that again?". Needless to say, I was also the one would get voted as "the one who would most likely end up in the shrink's office for inferiority complexes". And depressingly, I really did.

Then something great happened. After all the struggling, I realize that in comparison to the lives of all the popular girls who're expected to be the most successful and coolest after they graduate, I'm faring pretty damn well. In terms of jobs, in terms of success, in terms of life experience, in terms of popularity and fame, in terms of style and possibly in terms of looks too (okay, some might not agree but I would like to believe what I said). It's a little like the experience of phoenix rising from the ash. Okay, I'm being way too melodramatic here but for those who know the kind of stuggles that I went through to rescue my fast and dangerously depleting esteem of my youth, they would know it's no exaggeration.

Many of the smart girls have ended up with ordinary boring jobs. The cool and stylish girls have turned out to be plain Janes. The cute and gorgeous girls have failed to bloom into the full glory of feminine aesthetics. On the other hands, some of the members of the "social-reject" group have turned out to excel beyond what was expected of them while they were in my stupid maggot broth of convent school. Of couse, some of the cool and popular ones have still lived up to their good names but whatever it is, I get a kick out of seeing that I'm no longer under the social-reject category. I was also told that some girls even asked me how I was doing etc. So perhaps I probably wasn't as nobody as I thought I was. Or it could also be that these old school friends were trying to find out if I've failed my life like how they thought I would. Hmm...I know I'm being too cynical here but well, you never know, would you?

But whatever it is, I'm glad and proud of all the bullshit the dumb convent and snobbish girls have put me through cos it's made me different and I'm enjoying being special and different from everyone else and I'm loving it. I love the way I've turned out and I'm glad that I never did fit in then and I'm even grateful for all the tears and struggle as I've become a rebel who fought for what I am and who I am without compromising. Yeah, it's really phoenix rising and I enjoy who I am and no longer do I feel inferior cos I'm loving every bit of my existence. Such a refreshing change indeed.

Now I keep hearing Pink's "Stupid Girl" churning in my head cos it's a song I can totally relate to! I never wanted to be a stupid girl!

Stupid girl, stupid girl, Stupid girl....
Baby if I act like that, that guy will call me back,
What a paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl,
Baby if I act like that, flipping my blonde hair back,
Push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl


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